What would it really be like to live as if every single day were your last. Every. Single. Day. In short, the everyday last day.
When I left the house for a run this morning an article I had read in, The New York Times, about end-of-life-care, aptly called, The Best Possible Day, was still circling my mind.
It was gnawing at me because just after a brief conversation with a friend about it, I read another article. The second article was about a 29 year old woman, Brittany Maynard, who moved to Oregon so she could choose her death date.
In the article Brittany shares with the reader that she has incurable brain cancer, she is dying. As in, her days left are bookended by weeks, not years. Having the medication to choose her last best day is a safety net, choosing her death date means she gets to control her death, versus the disease that is ravaging her body. Knowing she has the medicine and can choose has given her freedom. In her own words:
Now, I’m able to move forward in my remaining days or weeks I have on this beautiful Earth, to seek joy and love and to spend time traveling to outdoor wonders of nature with those I love.”
And that comment, combined with the idea of a–best possible last day–kept me company while my feet pounded the miles away.
Miles that two weeks ago, I could not run. Miles that less than 5 days ago, found me with thoughts of self-deprecation chattering at an all time high while I ran walked. Thoughts which, if you have ever been a runner, sound like this… “Look at you, you can’t even make it a mile without walking, nice. Of course this sucks and is hard, maybe if you’d never quit you would’t suck right now. Cause you do. You suck. Right. Now.”
Not today.
Instead I thought back over the past 24 hours, what if they were my last?
Yesterday as the sun dropped behind the horizon, for the first time in years I faced one of my greatest fears, I entered the ocean, even got my hair wet. Then, from the safety of the beach, I watched Jimmy swim. It was one of those beautiful moments that life gifts us, one where all that matters comes into laser focus. Not only had I faced my fear, I was still breathing. Jimmy was swimming, this wonderful man who has shared his life with
me for over twenty years, was with me.
The sky was on fire with it’s pinks, oranges, grays and blues. Pelicans flew past hovering inches above the water while sand pipers skittered along the beach. And I was breathing.
Later at home, our daughter returned from her part-time job, she told us of a near miss car collision. Someone had cut her off, thankfully she responded defensively and avoided a crash. Laser focus again. My daughter was right there, looking us in the eyes, recounting a story that had frightened her. She was safe. And we all were breathing.
This morning Jimmy and I stood together on our bedroom deck. In the brisk air we watched as the brilliance of the moon began to return from behind the shadow marked by the lunar eclipse. In the warmth of his embrace I could hear his heartbeat. Under a sky littered with stars, we breathed.
As I finished my run, the part where I still need to walk up the hill to return home, I crossed the street to see what the quote of the day was. Someone, not sure who, has a sign posted to the back of their fence, everyday the words they choose inspire all who pass by.
Your greatest fears are created by your imagination. Don’t give into them.” –Winston Churchill
Once again, life served up a truth as if on a tee.
And as I wound my way back into our neighborhood I glimpsed a father, pink backpack hung over his shoulder, walking his little girl to their car. His head was bowed down as if nothing in the world was more important then what she was telling him. Tears sprung to my eyes as I watched him usher her into the car–I couldn’t help but think of Brittany Maynard–she was a little girl once.
And now with days left to live, Brittany is connected to all that matters in the end, the people and things she loves. Truth is we are all dying. The rest of us simply don’t know when…
How will you spend your Everyday Last Day?
“Truth is we are all dying. The rest of us simply don’t know when…” Wow. That is so powerful and life-changing, and I’m going to make a conscious effort to remember those words during the times I’m doing anything other than living as though I knew it was my last day. Thank you for this, my friend. xo
It’s so easy to get wrapped up and sidetracked from the things that are most precious. The perfect example are the hex messages inside my head, what a colossal misuse of my time. Focus instead on being how I get to move my body. Thanks for being here and for sharing. xo
I am not sure I would want to live this way. It would be very stressful. I would rather live like everyday is a gift. I prefer LIGHT over darkness and to me this mindset would take me there.
That was my point, every day is a gift. Thankfully we have a choice how to live between, what clearly are bookends of a long life, given our station in life. Brittany has not been afforded that luxury, yet as I see it she is living in the light by surrounding herself with what she loves and values most.
You took my breath away Elin. It is about being present for the moments – not dwelling on them or lingering in them – just feel each and every one of them, savoring the good and being grateful that we will move to the next…. I want that to be my constant reminder :)!!
Ah Ruth, I love what you said, “savoring the good and being grateful.” That to me is exactly what living in the present is. Thank you.
This is beautiful, Elin. And resonated so, as I recently thought I just might have my last day soon. I considered whether I’d said what I needed to, did the things that mattered most. Thankfully I was content with what I’d accomplished, knew I’d said the most important things to the most important people.
Thankfully it turned out to NOT be my last day and all is well. But I have a greater appreciation of not waiting to speak or act.
Lisa, my goodness I am sorry to learn you had an experience like that. Needless to say I am relieved to learn you are OK and all is well, you are a light in this world. I absolutely love your description of considering your time here thus far–had you said what was vital and done what mattered–we all could learn from your experience. Thank you for sharing so openly. Hugs and love to you.
Beautiful. I’ve been thinking about this a lot this week after attending a dear friends funeral last week. I love living life to it’s fullest everyday. I actually have another friend who is going through cancer that will take her life very early. She is the brightest person on earth right now and loves everyone and really lives life to it’s fullest everyday and helps others along the way. She says “I have a couple of years to do 45 years worth of living in”. I her for admire that.
Wendy, thank you for sharing your experience, I am sorry for your loss of a dear friend. Without even meeting you I feel your living in the blog you keep–it feels full–in such a wonderful way. Of course I am sorry to learn of your other friend too. She sounds like a beacon in her own storm, what a gift to all she touches. Anyone who leads us to death by celebrating first their life to me is a gift in this world. Hugs and love to you.
Simply said, you wrote that beautifully. My daughter and I have been speaking of Brittany in the last few day. Every day is a gift, we must cherish every moment.
Thank you Mary. Yes, thank you for bringing up your daughter, Brittany’s story is to be shared, her ability to openly tell her story is such a wonderful opportunity for us to look at a dying person’s agency and valuing it. Perhaps one day will look at the right to die differently because of her brave voice.
I just love the way you have with words. Brittany’s story is just so sad.
My best friend passed away a few month’s ago. She was given a few weeks to live and made it 36 days. I was blessed to be with her for all of them. That experience left me living each and every day, grateful.
Thank you for Doreen. I am sorry to learn about the loss of your friend and how fortunate you were able to share what she did have with her. It’s amazing how death peels back layers, when we are open, we see that what matters is our ability to connect with one another. Thank you for sharing your experience Doreen. Hugs and love your way.
Such a truthful post. A simple truth I think we all sometimes take for granted, yet each and every day is one step closer to our last and therefore needs to be lived fully and authentically. What a great thing it is to live in the moments! 🙂
Thank you. Love that expression, to live in the moments (plural). I know I take days for granted–life gets busy and also messy–those times can usurp even the best of intentions to live fully. 🙂
This is a great application of the power of now. I believe that we shouldn’t wallow in regret over the past or drown in worry over the future. Instead we should glory in the now. I forget to do this. But your post is a very powerful illustration of how “now” contains a lot of beauty & wonder and can fill us with gratitude. Lovely prose and pics.
“The power of now.” Reminds me of a beautiful film that went viral after 9/11. Including the word “power” is so right too–for it is the attention we give to whatever we are feeling that gives it either power over us or to us. Thank you Karen, I appreciate your being here and your thoughtful comment.
I just read about Brittany a bit before seeing your poignant post. I respect her choice. I respect her choice if, on that day, she decides to wait another day. What you point out is that it is possible, although so often forgotten, to be conscious of a moment, to savor it even if we are not, at least knowingly, living our last day.
I am so glad you took the plunge into the ocean. On another post, I described a day that included one such plunge in OB but you’ve got ‘er done so you can maybe bring your boogie board and just play instead!
Lovely post.
Yes. To be conscious of a moment. Marion Roach Smith wrote in her extraordinary book, The Memoir Project, about looking for the little things, she explains that we are trained to see the big events, yet the details are what later bubble up and bring us gifts about living and life. Thank you for your comment Betsy…