Dear Fear, I am breaking up with you. It’s over. Seriously. I’m done. Pack up your self-defeating attitude and go. Thanks, Elin
For years too many to count I have been riding shotgun to this thing called FEAR.
Don’t get me wrong I am not afraid to use my voice, that’s a fear I thankfully overcame years ago…
I have a tendency to be preoccupied with the countless things that might or could go wrong–especially where anyone I love is concerned.
“The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live.” -Norman Cousins
You probably know somebody like me. Who knows, maybe you are a person like me.
I have to think that the universe was having fun with me when it sent me children that would grow up to enjoy adrenaline seeking sports. Surfing, rock climbing, wake boarding-just to list a few. Safe to say (haha) that I will never get accustomed to logging onto Facebook only to find pictures of my son that give me vertigo just by looking at them. 
People like me worry about things that might happen. We machinate over things that haven’t happened. And worse? We worry about things that probably never will happen. Ever. Those things frighten us. They sometimes even stomp through our dreams. But no one, and I repeat no one, really wants to hear about my dreams.
But that’s not where it ends.
The other thing that happens to people like me, people who have fear driving them around as if they were a mere passenger in their own bloody life. We stop doing things. Cool things. Fun things. And we do this because we are petrified that it could end us. Clearly, my issues have not affected my kids…yet.
I still remember Max saying, “But that’s your problem, not mine, Mommy.” in response to my telling him I was worried he would hurt himself with the knife he was using to cut an apple. Talk about out of the mouths of babes. It was my problem. He actually cut the apple expertly. I watched, ready to pounce if something went wrong, but it didn’t. He happily cut up his apple, looked at me with an enormous grin and said, “See that? I did it. I told you all that worry was your problem.”
It wasn’t always this way.
When I was younger fear didn’t have the upper hand. In fact, I did things I now consider brave. I rode horses. Swam in Long Island Sound. Body surfed in the Atlantic and the Pacific. I could land a flip (front and back) on a trampoline. Took a trapeze class. Rode in a hot air balloon. I even took a ride in a glider plane. I dirt biked on trails. Swam in lakes. Jumped off a few cliffs. Skinny dipped. Pool hopped. Hiked mountains. Rock climbed. Skied. Hitchhiked. Traveled alone, in a jungle, in Guatemala. And, believe it or not, sometimes I was even reckless.
I would never have predicted that fear would call my shots.
There isn’t one experience that I can point to that stands out. A moment in time, that when I look back over my shoulder at it I can point my finger and say, “That’s where fear came from.”
I once read that FEAR stands for, “False Evidence Appearing Real.” True. But there’s more to it.
Fear stems from lack of control. Lack of control can be described in countless ways but the one best to illustrate my overall point happened twelve years ago. The experience sadly has stayed with me since and an epiphany has me on the road to change that.
Twelve years ago I nearly drowned.
It was one of those gorgeous October evenings, hot from a Santa Ana, and my son Max and I had gone to the beach. I remember looking up to see the ocean lit up with the last hours of orange and pink light, and Max, far from the water’s edge, was surrounded by dolphins. As I ran toward the water, I thought how wonderful it would be if I could join him before the dolphins left. But as I headed toward him I was pummeled by a set of waves. After being thrown around in the surf like a rag doll, I literally crawled from the water to the sand.
It was awful. After, the only thing I could focus on was how lucky it was that my child hadn’t had to watch me drown.
That single experience, less than 5 minutes of gut-wrenching struggle, emotionally paralyzed me. Since that time I have been in the water once, it was very hot and there wasn’t a wave in site.
The other day it hit me, I have let that one experience define how I view swimming in the ocean. That one horrific incident where I thought I was going to drown usurped all the years that came before it when body surfing was something that I loved.
For goodness sake, I survived domestic violence and I didn’t let that define me. So why? Why have I allowed my fears to mount? Why have I allowed worry to suck away my time? I really honestly don’t know. But I do know this….
Living with fear is absolutely fucking exhausting.
So that’s it. I surrender. Needless self-imposed worry has sucked enough potential living out of me.
It may take a while to swim in the ocean without fear, but I sure as hell plan to try. But the other day I got my toes wet. And it made my heart beat wild. Maybe I won’t conquer all of my fears, but getting my feet wet is a start. In so many ways I feel as if what I am really doing is learning how to swim. Or fly. Whatever it is…I celebrate the change.
What about you, has fear or worry influenced decisions in your life? What did you do to overcome it?
I was raised by a world-class neurotic and some of that rubbed off on me. but you are so right, it’s all about loss of control. But it can be fun to let the wind carry us!
Exactly. And I look forward to keeping my sails up now so I can be moved to try new things…even if they are a little daunting to begin with. 😉
My fears are different. I don’t worry so much about things, but am fearful something of a more personal nature, and I find myself wasting time thinking it. Mostly about my immediate family (not hubby or son.) That really stinks. Ah, it felt good to type those words. Now if I could only stop the fear! I’m working on it, Elin.
BTW, whenever you say you lived in NY I’m always shocked because you look like someone The Beach Boys were writing about! Surfin’ USA. xo
Facing fear can be so hard, but it is a work in progress.You’re right too, sometimes just typing it helps. I almost didn’t publish this piece! I wish I could tell you this was a complete list. I didn’t even touch on my obsessions about people I love… As for living back east, I am actually from CT, not NY, although get me around a few of my NY friends and you might think I am. Deep New England roots. So I am pretty sure the Beach Boys had something altogether different in mind when they sang about CA girls. 😉
Oh, geez! This is so totally ME! Well, I didn’t nearly drown as an adult (I was actually a toddler) but I’ve been so freakin’ scared of so much. Despite forcing myself to jump (tandem) from a plane once, I still cannot swim. Never could. Too scary when I can’t touch the bottom. Gah!
And then though my daughters weren’t/aren’t HUGE daredevils (just a tad), it looks like at least one of my grandsons will do anything and everything that is guaranteed to scare the hell out of everyone around him. And he’s just three. I worry for when he’s 13 and 30 and every age between and beyond.
I’m glad I’m not alone. I want to break up with fear, too, but I’ve not yet got the nerve to do so.
Great post!
HA! Well thanks for hanging out here and making me feel as if I am not the only one today Lisa! Maybe we can challenge each other to try something new…even if it’s scary.
I admit that fear gets me down way more than it should. Fear, accompanied by self-doubt. Let’s you and I kick fear on its ass and get it out of our lives!
Cheers to that Helene!!!
I grew up in a family where fear was the norm. I am trying to change that in me so it does not get passed on again. It hasn’t been easy!
Good for you Mary, feel free to pass on any tips! The thing that amazes me is my mother was a pilot in WWII, she never was a worrier and sure as heck didn’t seem to be afraid of much. But sometimes I wonder if her seemingly aloof attitude about my safety left me to worry alone. Now as if on a mission to do all things differently than my mother, I worry about every. single. thing. Of course this gives my kids plenty of material to tease me with.
OK…you had me right here: “Fear stems from lack of control.” It is that feeling that things might spin away and make it so that we can’t guide the outcome and make sure everyone lands in a comfortable place, isn’t it? Interesting that we just had a long conversation about overcoming fears and, in one sentence, it all comes into focus!
And then you said this: “Living with fear is absolutely fucking exhausting.” and the rest of pieces slid into place. Fear, like everything else is a matter of choosing how we spend our time and energy…. Wow, you did it again Elin…. :)!
I love that you brought up comfort. Yes, it is easy to want to remain comfortable…yet it prevents growth.
It was really interesting to walk across that suspension bridge with you today Ruth, I felt armed with the idea that I had in fact broken up with fear and it wasn’t welcome to nag me about how it was jiggling.It actually helped me to forget that we were in fact nowhere near the ground. Hmmm maybe I can write about that when I recap our exploration. Thanks for a great day!
There are things I’m afraid of doing that I don’t really care about getting over — like jumping out of a plane or going shark cage diving (both of which my son has had no problem doing). But then there are the moments when I hold myself back out of fear of looking foolish or fear of failure — those are the fears I need to say goodbye to, especially since I’ve done both of them many times and the world hasn’t come to an end! Great post.
Oh man…am I ever with you about jumping from a plane. And you are so right, some fears don’t have to be let go of. I like the ones you are ready to let go of, I bet lots of people can relate to that! (I can…)
This is a great post… just saying. 🙂 Actually, I used to be much more afraid of things than I am now. And that was because my mother was a bit nutso and that impacted me. PTSD. But slowly and surely I am testing what is is safe by expanding my boundaries. Actually I think they are just about extended enough… I haven’t really been afraid of much, except heights (I do not have good balance so this makes sense) and spiders (there are black widows in Tucson so this makes sense) and poisonous snakes (also makes sense) ever since I called Donald Rumsfeld a liar and got hauled out of a Senate Committee Hearing… at the beginning of my 50th year. So my second 50 are going to be fearless, within reason.
Your fears do make sense, I join you in your fear of snakes, the thought of them keeps me off trails in the summer. As for getting hauled out of a Senate Committee Hearing for speaking your mind, LOVE IT, darn good way to kick off your 50th year…here’s to the next 50 and fearlessness.
Oh how I wish you were here for lunch, because only if I made an incredible lunch would I be able to bore you with my fear stories. The good news I am better….I am glad you are better…also happy you articulated something we all deal with
I wish I could be there for lunch too, I love stories! Glad you are better too. 🙂
I was nearly drown in the Bahamas when I was 10 and a shark swam by me. A bartender saw what was happening and rescued me. I have not been in the ocean past my knees since.
Other than that I try not to let fear, worry or anxiety take root. All three are such a waste of time because they change nothing whether we feel them or not.
Oh how I agree that they are a waste of time! If only it were as easy as turning it off and on like a switch…
I never would have guessed you have an ounce of fear in you Elin! Bravo for your honesty. I am a bit of a fear monger myself and try to step out beyond it each day with small acts of courage. I hail from a family of scarcity and lack so I’m afraid my programming is heavily weighted in that direction, but I am trying to move toward something Charles Bukowski said: “We’re here to laugh at the odds, and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”
Thanks for sharing. Always love reading. xo
Oooh I love that quote Dianna! Thank you for stopping by today and for your lovely comment. xo
I struggle with fear – getting it from under it, stepping from behind it, or starting from the path it’s on. Over time, I’ve behind more and more successful at having the upper hand in that relationship, but it all creeps up. Usually, times of stress/anxiety are the worst and that’s generally when I can get so lost in it.
Remembering that I have a Higher Power that’s in charge, who loves me and won’t steer me wrong helps. Having faith and total trust in that Power is at the crux of remembering though.
Sometimes I’m better at it than others, but overall I know I’ve made progress and I have a broader life as a result. I also continue learning about me and my true likes/dislikes in the process.
Good luck to you! with understanding :hugs:
It is the broader life, right? That is exactly what I am striving for too. I don’t want to live within the narrow boundaries that I created for myself. Fear based thinking is so counter productive, yet when it does creep in, there are two choices, lean into the or away from it. And yes, process, is just the word. Thank you for your lovely response and for the warm wishes too.